You know, sometimes I think we all have emotions that we just don’t know what to do with. Maybe they are deep and complex, and we just don’t know how to explore or express them. Maybe these feelings are new and disconcerting, or maybe they’re old and exhausting—-either way, what do you do? I faced a situation like this, and maybe what I discovered can encourage you.
In early 2013 we had just made a move for my husband’s ministry that placed me four hours away from my new grandson, our first grandchild. We didn’t live near him to begin with, but this move only lengthened the distance between us. We tried to visit as often as we could, and I loved my time with him. But sadly, each trip ended with me having to say goodbye again until the next visit.
I always made a point of keeping my departure light and upbeat, especially as he became older and began to realize that these fun visits with Grammie and Papa had an expiration date. I would hug, kiss, wave goodbye and cheerfully express, “Gotta go, Buffalo, See you soon, Baboon.” Then we would load up in the car and I would cry to the state line between Tennessee and Kentucky.
The feelings I had were so complex: sadness at leaving him, anger that it was necessary, jealousy and envy toward those who lived nearby and got to be with him when I couldn’t, impatience, fear that because I couldn’t be with him more and share more of his day-to-day adventures, that somehow my relationship with him would not be all I wanted it to be. Add to this the fear of missing out, and exhaustion in the end from fighting all these emotions.
Then one day on one of the sad rides back to Kentucky, I just prayed through my tears, “God, I just don’t know what to do with this pain at not being with him, this jealousy and envy. This longing to be with him is so big. All I know to do is to offer all this up to you, this longing, this pain. We are where we are now geographically in obedience to your call, following your will. And I believe as I offer this up to you, you will not let me suffer loss always.”
In answer to that and many other prayers, God did an awesome thing! Despite the distance, He gave me the most beautiful relationship with my grandson Griffin. The love was there, and it grew and grew. It’s like when I finally trusted God with my pain, He turned it into something so amazing and beautiful. When our second, a granddaughter named Hallie came along, He did it again. Even as an LDG- Long Distance Grandma, we had a beautiful relationship develop as well. By the time #3 Rosie arrived, we were living in the same town where they live, and I get so many wonderful Grammie moments. We had the joy of living here when #5 Lydie was born too, and that was awesome!
I’m still so far away, 1,000 miles, from Milo our sweet fourth, but I know I must believe that as I trust God, He will bless me with a sweet bond with him too. Oh, there are still some tears when he looks at me, smiles and waves his little hand when we get to the airport, but I know we’ll be ok, and the love between us will grow as well.
I love the Scripture that says, “He makes everything beautiful in its time….” Ecclesiastes 3:11
The next time something comes up and you just don’t know what to do with it, try offering it up and see what God will do with it!
